i'm next to blow ; PAUSE . . .

i can't hear the critics talking over the applause.


This weekend was just too chill. I didn't go out and function at all, I basically just stayed in the house. Friday, I stayed in by myself and Charlie [ my doggie ] while my sister's went to Club Suga and saw Ray J. I wasn't too mad I missed it because they said he was only there for 30 minutes and didn't perform. So oh well.

Saturday, we and my mom had Alexa the whole day and went to breakfast. It was SO good to see Alexa even though me and her mother aren't talking. She's such a good baby, didn't really cry at all until she was hungry then she got fussy. I wish I could have her more often but until me and Ashley patch things up, it ain't happening. Maybe in time.

Later that night, we got some Bacardi Gold and threw a few blunts back and played KARAOKE! It's the funniest shit to have us altogether, faded as fuck and bringing back the throwbacks. I wish I took videos but I performed "On Bended Knee" by Boyz II Men ; "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight" by the Cutting Crew and I really can't remember anything else, I was so fucked up. I got to talk to this guy I met named Twin. It was our first time talking on the phone so needless-to-say, he got the REAL me. I wasn't shy like I think I normally would have been. He's another loser though. And it seems like I'm always meeting dudes that just don't have it together. He has no car and doesn't have a steady job. ALL BAD. I have all that plus more and I'm just wondering why I can't find a nigga that's on my level. It really befuddles me.

Speaking of niggas, I got to talk to Kendell's ex girlfriend Friday, how fun! If you don't know who Kendell is, he's the guy who asked me to be his girlfriend Monday. We talked for a little bit, I told him that I didn't really feel comfortable having this title [ no matter how loose it is ] and not knowing anything about him. He's like, "What do you need to know about me?" Ummmmm, EVERYTHING? is that really too much to ask? But he signed off before we could finish the conversation. He signed BACK on and I hit him up and his ex is on his aim because he's on hers. But the first thing she asked me is if he was trying to marry me too? LMAO. And that he's good for getting girls, loving them in a week and trying to marry them in a month. Typical characteristics of a guy in the service, because I think they get special privledges if they have a spouse. I don't know! But I do know that I'm not becoming anyone's spouse anytime soon. LOL. Not me.

Anyways, here's a few pictures of my weekend, including a few from my ULTRA boring Friday by myself!



Charlie, my boo, at 6 weeks I think. He's MUCH bigger now and just a real nigga dog.







as you can see my eyes that I was FADED! LOL.


GOOD NEWS! My and my mom went to the pool today and actually had a full out conversation about my birthday. She's scared about me going so we decided she's going to go the same weekend and celebrate her birthday with her friends too. She said she'd be more comfortable being only a phone call away. So I obliged. Now I just have to get hotel quotes cause she might just pay for the hotel room. Hell FUCKIN` YEAH!!!!


But until next time, LOVES.

you might win some . . .

but you just lost one.

so right now, I'm not EVEN trippin` on this nigga that supposedly calls himself "my man". I heard through the grapevine [mutual friends] that this guy is seriously telling them that we're together. dude, I haven't talked to you in a week and it was the first week of this so-called "relationship". To me, it's was null and void on fuckin` Wednesday! I really wonder how he's going to act when we do talk the next time. This is ridiculous!

Something else that's real ridiculous is the the amount of respect people DON'T have for others. At work, one of the patients brought me a cheesecake because her daughter works for a store that makes them. Cool. First day, I left it behind. My fault. Next day, I didn't like the flavor after taking one piece so I was going to take it to the house for my siblings. I did forget it again but YESTERDAY, I go to the refridgerator to get it and it looks like 3 more pieces have been taken out! Now, this isn't the first time someone has done this to me in this office. Someone has eaten my spagetti, my candy and a frozen dinner I had for lunch, all of which they left the empty containers of. So need-less to say, I feel like this is a personal attack. And of course, NO ONE KNOWS who's been eating my shit. All I know is that this is yet another reason for me to get the fuck outta here and get a new job.

Which I will be doing soon because my birthday is coming up in 6 months and it's the big 2-1 so I need to stack chips for the Vegas trip with my girlies!

I will be updating later, so watch out!
Until then, XoXo.

she's like my sexy cool mama . . .

with shades on her berata.
rockin` Dolce and Gabbana with highdrows and a Cubana.






bomb.
just bomb.
i really need this in my life.

Some people however are really mad about D&G making this rosary saying that it's disrespectful for designers "to take sacred items and make them commercial products."
I personally love the rosary, would buy it [ if I had $200 ] and just because it has a designer label DOES NOT make it less sacred.
people just need to get over it and realize that in 2009, fashion is everything.
even religious.

heavy rotation . . .

1. don't forget / DEMI LOVATO.
2. lust for life / DRAKE.
3. red rum / LIL` WAYNE.
4. 25 to life / MARSHA AMBROSIUS.
5. so beautiful / MUSIQ SOULCHILD.
6. every girl / LIL` WAYNE ft. DRAKE, JAE MILLZ, GUTTA, MAC MAINE.
7. the climb / MILEY CYRUS.
8. stadium music / DAY26.
9. smoking gun / JADAKISS ft. JAZMINE SULLIVAN.
10. put it down / THE DREAM.
11. drink in my cup / ELECTRIK RED.
12. flight school / KANYE WEST ft. T-PAIN.
13. cannon / ASHER ROTH.
14. mr. yeah / THE DREAM.
15. uptown / DRAKE.
16. all the above / MAINO ft. T-PAIN.
17. i'm so paid / AKON.
18. satelites / BEYONCE.
19. love you gently / USHER.
20. high heels / KERI HILSON.
21. magnificent / RICK ROSS ft. JOHN LEGEND.
22. rock bottom / PLEASURE P ft. LIL` WAYNE.
23. congratulations / DRAKE.
24. alienated / KERI HILSON.
25. one / FAT JOE ft. AKON.
26. put it on her / DAY26 ft. YUNG JOC and DIDDY.
27. nasty girl / LUDACRIS.
28. t.o.n.y / SOLANGE KNOWLES.
28. smash into you / BEYONCE.
28. brooklyn [we go hard] / JAY-Z.
29. walking on the moon / THE DREAM.
30. promises in the dark / KERI HILSON.

i'm still myself, suicide bars i kill myself . . .

charge it to the game, i bill myself.
and i don't feel ya'll but i feel myself.

so I could've just made a great desicion or one that could possibly leave me lower than I began. This past Monday, this guy I've known for almost 7 years asked me to be his girl. and because i really wasn't taking him seriously, I said okay, but really in my heart of hearts, i was hoping he was. I've had a crush on him for awhile now. So he asked to call me the next morning and he didn't. I haven't talked him since Monday. How is that a good way to start a relationship? After he was the one pushing it! I swear everytime I'd talk to him he's ask me out. He's in the army and when it all went down, he said something about him getting back to normal. I have no idea what that means. But I went to my brother about it [I always do when it comes to niggas]and he basically told me not to put all my eggs in one basket. So I went around saying that I was 10% taken and 90% single!

I was at the house today for a minute and we got on the subject of good artists that can sing and rap. the only two names i could think of were trey songz and drake. and then we got on the subject of Ryan Leslie. my sister's boyfriend isn't up on him yet so I let him see this one video that drives me crazy everytime i watch it. this beat goes so hard.



so yeah, i seriously had to put Quince on game.

also, I'm a big Daz fan, have been for a minute, all the way back to Retaliation, Revenge and Get Back . and I'll fuck with anyone he fucks with.

i am ready for love . . .

Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

there's only so many songs . . .

i can sing to pass the time.
and i'm running out of things to do,
to get you out of my mind.


So I met this guy a couple days ago. I think it was the day after my first post coming back, how ironic, right? Anyways, he was in L.A from New York visiting or vacationing or something and we exchanged contacts. I think he was still in town a couple of days after but as of right now, he's back home and back to his daily rountine, like myself. We talk alot! Texting and AIM during the day and phone at night until almost 3a.m his time. He's already told me that he was feelin` me and I'm just like, of course, a cool guy comes around and he's 3000 miles away. That's just my luck. But we'll see what happens. I'm being really logical and not putting any feelings out on the table. He's just nice to talk too. Only time will tell.


Soooooo, in other news:



i was talking to my brother today and he was telling me his homeboy Trason was having a birthday party soon. They play football together at West L.A. and he said my brother could invite anyone he wants. I got so geeked when he told me. Bet I'll be in there, first in line trying to put the smack dap on Trason's fine ass. Jesus!

Tomorrow's a busy day, I gotta deal with my car, plus I'm in dier need of a full set! I've been without my nails for 2 weeks already. Until then, TOODLES!

nothing can solve it . . .

when love is the problem.



ain't that the truth?

Love vs. Money: Part 2 - The Dream

i dried my eyes and i realized . . .

i deserve somebody that will treat me right.

RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:

1. I love writing but I can never push myself to finish anything that I start. I have a slew of diaries/blogs/journals and short stories that I have neglected.
2. My sisters SWEAR I have my guard up but I don't notice and don't know how to take it down.
3. I long for a really good "true love" relationship, but when I'm in one, I always find a problem.
4. I hated high school, but I regret not doing well.
5. I used to regret not going to college straight after H.S., but don't anymore after seeing most of my friends back home and in community college.
6. If I could afford cosmetic surgery, I would do it in a heartbeat.
7. I can admit, I can be a jealous individual.
8. I lived in Barbados for 2 years.
9. I hate my job.
10. My sisters' are my only real friends.
11. I should be working right now, BUT I DON'T WANNA!
12. I'm hungry.
13. If I had the chance to met someone now and start a relationship, I would give it my complete all.
14. My standards for a man are really high. They need to have a decent car and job or I won't talk to them.
15. I miss my best friend terribly, but I can't bring myself to reach out to her after she fucked me over.
16. I'm really mean to people I don't know but if my friends like you, I will learn.
17. I'm addicted to tattoos. I have 5 and will probably have 30 by the time I am 30.
18. Even though, I know it's bad, I hold my pee for a long time. Like now, I'm too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom.
19. If it wasn't for good music artists today, I probably would have killed myself years ago.
20. I want a baby, so I can have constant-never-ending love but I'm not stupid enought to have one right now.
21. I definately need a show dedicated to finding love. My sister dares me to write a letter to BET. I think I will.
22. I work with cancer patients and they are all my heros.
23. I love Judd Apatow movies. Any movie he makes I will go see in the theater AND buy on DVD.
24. I have 5 sisters [ ages 24, 21, 21, 19 and 17 ] and 2 brothers [ 21 and 19 ]. I'm in the middle. I'm 20.
25. Out of my 5 sisters, I only talk to 3 on the daily basis. We're "estranged" because of their poor judgement and decisions.

yeah. i could add more but i just saw something.



Dream Big - Jazmine Sullivan

now, i love Jazmine. that's my bitch and I LOVE THIS SONG!
but am i the only one who thinks she needs to stop makin` videos and get back into the studio?
someone tell me.

and I guess digitally imaged videos are what's good in 2009.
i think i'm seeing a theme here?

they love it when you smile . . .

unware that it's a strain.

listening to - drake ; THE CALM.

I left work early today because we didn't have many patients. Instead of going home and handling business, I went to my sister's house and layed around. I had brought my books but I didn't study AT ALL. I might have answered . . . 2 questions. Mid-term is due on Monday so I'll be getting on it tomorrow. My co-worker gave me two ENORMOUS cupcakes left over from a baby-shower she hosted over the weekend.



I pretty much only fuck with chocolate in terms of my men, but this time I'll make an exception because these look so bomb!




So I was able to finally catch up with For The Love of Ray J today. I hear from LaLa Vazquez via her twitter that she's shooting the reunion on the 15th and I'm pretty sure it's going to be good. To say the least, I'm SUPER surprised that Danger is still in the game. I believe that she is Ray's favorite out of the three but she does seem like she has a few screws loose. I agree with moms too when she said that he's living in the moment. And now Danger's supposedly pregnant by him!? SMH.

Me and Ang both agree that BET really needs to just go ahead and give us our own show and make it way better than the "of Love" series. I have NO IDEA what it would be called but I can ONLY imagine what DAMAGE would come out of it.



me and my twin.

ANYWAY, i don't know about you but, I definately can't wait for:




I like everyone so far ESPECIALLY Kyle! Not because our names are similar but he is HILARIOUS! How he flipped out on Milan was comedy and I think she deserved it. You could tell in her eyes, she asked the questions with Kyle in mind and she didn't think he would react like that. But that chick went hard on that other girl, Terri I think her name was. Terri reminds me of the girls I can't stand. Females that catch feelings suuppppppeeeeer quick. It just irritates me to see girls so naive, but I was glad when she admitted it. 2 points for her.

i was gone for a minute . . .

but now i'm back at it!

it's been hell trying to keep my feelings bottled up inside. i decided to come back and let it out the best way i know how, in writing.

DAMN.
where do i start?

for the past couple of weeks things have been strained between me and Bee* [my best friend]. i've learned from my sisters that she's been messing around with two niggas that they have had past relations with. i don't think it's the fact that she fuckin` with them that irritates me, but it's the way she is going about it. Ericka*, [ my 24 year old sister ] has already voiced that Bee can mess with this guy but she still think it cool to sneak around and swear she isn't doing anything with him. The nigga's cousin is a friend of mine and she tells me how much Bee hits him up. The other dude is Angela's* [my 21 year old sister] best friend. Bee knows that Ang has had sex with this nigga and has come back to say it's wack but STILL WANTS TO FUCK HIM. She doesn't know that we know that she spent the night hugged up and kissing on him Saturday, but why wouldn't she? The dude and my sister still maintain a really good friendship and he tells her every. o_O. I said, right in front of her that any bitch that fucks with that nigga is stupid and she did it THE SAME NIGHT. But I'm not surprised, in high school she was known exchanging dudes with her friends and sleeping with her male "best friends". I just hope for her sake, she hasn't messed with any one that I really liked. Then it would be war.

My love-life is still how it was months ago, when i first deleted my blog: STALE. I quit talking to Devon* shortly after that and we recently got back in touch, but only for a physically arrangement. The nigga couldn't even pull through on that! WTF. He's 29 and still playing the high school games. [For those that don't know; Devon is this guy I met while working at the gym almost 2 years ago. Angela still works there and they talk sometimes] We planned to get it crackin` last Saturday but some of his peoples got locked up so he couldn't make it. I told him I'd hit him up later in the week so we could set something up. I texted in 3 times in 3 days and he didn't hit me back once. This past Saturday he told my sister to tell me to hit him up. And just to see if he would answer, I sent him a text. NOTHING. So I told Ang not to tell me anymore if he asks for me or talks about me. He can kick rocks. Other than that, I'm not talking to anyone. Me and my girls had dudes over Saturday night but none of them were up to my standards. I think they're too high but Ang tells me they are just right for me and my prince is going to come and fill them like it in the fairy tales.